LIVING IN THE CHAOS 

There are times when i feel so alive ,full of energy maybe even too much . but then ,thare are moments when everything feels empty ,like i m drowning in an endless ocean. this isn't just being ''moody,'' and it's more than simple ''overthinking.''

Ioften feel two oppsing emotions at the same time. I cloud be laughing with my frends ,yet deep inside ,I feel hollow .sometimes ,i want to meet somone, but when the chance actually comes, i just want to run away ,i've also dealt with trauma-somethings that left such a deep mark that i don't even know how to let it go.

One of the hardest things is the extreme mood swings. in the morning, i might feel motivated to do a lot, but just a few hours later , everythings changes-it's like my body refuses to move . thare's also an indescribable fear. I've been terrified of things that seem trivial to others ,like an overwhelming anxiety whenever something involves my neck ,making me avoid getting a haircut.  

Among all of this , one thought haunts me the most:the feeling of not being enough. I often wonder, do I deserve to be loved?  Do I deserve to have dreams? Even when I start to feel happy ,I sometimes reject it, as if I don't have the right  to feel better.

But despite everything, i'm still talking ,writing ,trying to understand myself. know there's no instant slution , and that's okay . I'm learning that understanding myself is a long journy ,and even though I often feel lost, I am not truly alone. 

For anyone who feels the same way, I just want to say: your feelings are valid.